I was 13 when I decided music was my thing. By the time I reached my mid thirties, I had experienced emotional extremes as a music artist that led me to finally look inward, and ask the question of who I am, as an artist, as a creative being for myself, first and foremost; not who I need to be, or what I need to do to fit within the metrics of the music industry. For a large majority of my journey in making music, I struggled immensely with confusion around identity, direction and belonging. Even though I never sacrificed my artistic individuality to fit in or sell more, there was always an undercurrent of dissatisfaction and lack in my experience; from creating music in the studio to putting it out into the world, I always felt like something was missing–though I would have never openly admitted this at the time. This “lack” became most apparent when a remix I co-produced hit number one on Spotify charts across different countries. It also topped the charts of most shazamed song in the winter of 2021. Those metrics still meant nothing to me, offered me no real satisfaction, or inner peace as the tug of war inside me was still ever present. 

It also started making more sense to me, why my former (music production) students who appear to have attained success whether by getting signed or playing on huge festival stages, would also express to me that their new found success was not what it seemed. Meaning, they’ve made it, but internally, it didn’t feel like that. Something was still missing.

It has taken a great deal of self inquiry, unlearning, rewiring, rest, trial and error, having the courage to face my subconscious, taking breaks from the studio, learning about boundaries and discernment, for me to carve out a new relationship with myself. This winding path has led me to feeling reinvigorated, self validated in my process of creating music. There is nothing more satisfying than to experience myself authentically; to be attached not to what the external forces will say or think, but to care deeply about my own embodied experience of the creative process and to realize that there is no final destination.